Well, it’s been awhile, and queer girl and I have mostly been enjoying the summer. On the post egg donor front, I feel like after two regular cycles, my moods had finally recovered and I am feeling better- so to any future trans guys egg donors out there, I could understand why a few clean cycles with no hormones of any kind would be useful after egg donation.
But this post is about something else. We went for the 12 week screen a few days ago- where they do an ultrasound plus blood tests to look for chromosomal abnormalities. We already had the 6, 8, and 10 week ultrasounds under our belt so we were feeling pretty ok albeit still nervous of course because this one was a different ball game. It was not at our clinic but with this doctor who has a reputation for being excellent skill-wise but gruff. And gruff he was.
First of all, he couldn’t see enough to do the ultrasound “regularly”, so he had to do a transvaginal one. Queer girl was used to this- it was how her other three had been, but Dr. Gruff seemed annoyed. Then, unlike at the clinic, he didn’t have much nice to say. At our clinic they were always so enthusiastic and encouraging. He did say a few quick nice things but then he was mostly silent and focused on getting the fetus to turn because they weren’t quite in the right position for all the measurements he needed.
At first he just told queer girl to cough but when that didn’t work, Dr. Gruff proceeded to repeatedly shake the ultrasound wand inside queer girl.
and when that didn’t work, he started to push his hand repeatedly into her stomach, hard, and then back with shaking the wand. Oddly, he did this all quietly and without warning.
Throughout he took pictures and appeared to be measuring things but all without much comment. Perhaps this is regular but compared to our clinic experiences it was so strange. His silence was also nerve wracking and it was hard to know how to process my anger and confusion at him for being a jerk and to know whether i also needed to be worried
Finally, it was coming to an end, and he pointed to the screen and said- see that spot- we will talk about that after. It just looked like a small black spot. Obviously this statement was so worrisome.
So as it turns out, our screen itself for chromosomal abnormalities went well- our risks were all very low.
There was, however, a small unilocular cyst on the fetus’ neck. That was the spot.
What did this mean? The doctor told us that it was probably nothing but it needs to be followed. That it may have only been because he did a transvaginal ultrasound that he saw it all. Had there been two cysts, apparently that would have been a sign of significant chromosomal issues, but one is usually nothing and often it gets reabsorb. He said that at the twenty week ultrasound they need to be sure to look on the left side to check on it.
Because we were expecting terrible news based on his attitude, I pressed him on worst case scenarios and he talked about growths removed at birth and then about genetic counselling and personal choices. That was the worst part. I had no idea what this genetic counselling stuff was and it seemed terrifying. Also we just had this cloud over us because he had been such a jerk and it was hard to differentiate between his jerkiness and the news and whether they were connected.
That’s all for now. We are supposed to follow up at our first ob/gyn appointment next week. At first, we spent too much time scared and googling but that was incredibly not helpful and I now know more about several different types of fetal neck cysts than is ever useful and we are left in the same place if not worse because Dr. Google is much more frightening than Dr. Gruff ever was.
So the message on repeat now is: It is probably nothing. If it is something we can all get through it. We are full of hope, and gratitude, and hope. And breath, and repeat, and hope.